I Remember When
by everdreaming3
Summary: A really long one-shot from Santana's POV reminiscing about her relationship with Brittany. This is related to my story A Second Life, so if you haven't read that already, I strongly recommend it otherwise this won't make much sense!


**A/N: Okay, so this is a really long one-shot strictly from Santana's POV regarding her thoughts on her relationship with Brittany from A Second Life. As I said in the summary, you really should read that first if you haven't because this will be really confusing otherwise! This story is a bit different, considering it is all just Santana's thoughts. No dialogue or anything, as the whole thing is just her internal reflections. I wanted to give you guys insight into what Santana was thinking and feeling throughout their relationship.**

 **I hope you enjoy!**

I Remember When

I remember when we first met. I was having a shit day at work. Some moron had spoken out of place and I had to stay late to do clean-up duty so nobody decided to sue the company. I was supposed to meet my brother for drinks, and I had enough time to text him that I was going to be late before I had to go ream the asshole out.

Once I was able to make it to the bar, I was in an even worse mood. Traffic sucked and the bar was already packed. I had trouble finding Gabe, and when I did find him, you were sitting there at the table with him.

Only I didn't know it was you at first. I just saw some blonde woman talking to him, and I thought that he had taken advantage of my lateness to pick up another booty call. God, my brother really got on my nerves sometimes with that shit. I couldn't resist making some snarky comment about how he couldn't even wait twenty minutes for me before picking someone up, and that's when you stood up and I saw you for the first time.

I swear, you took my breath away the moment I looked into your eyes. Your bright, gorgeous, intense blue eyes. You said something about interrupting my date with Gabe, and I would have laughed had I not been so frozen by you. And then your eyes traveled down my body and back up, and I felt tingles everywhere they looked at.

I couldn't even stop staring at your face. I was still frozen. And then your eyes looked back up into mine, and I felt like my heart really started beating for the first time in my life. Then you blushed, and looked away and I thought you were disconcerted by my staring at you. When you turned back to shake my hand, I realized how much of an idiot I must have looked like. I finally shook myself out of it and, thankfully, my brain had picked up your name from my brother's introduction.

But when our hands met, I swear I felt sparks shoot up my arm. I had no clue what that was. I had never felt anything like that before. I was so off balance from meeting you.

Thankfully I was able to break out of my daze and sit down. I hated when your attention went back to my brother. I wanted you to talk to me. I didn't like being jealous of my brother though. He's my brother. But then you turned and talked to me and all of my jealousy disappeared.

When I found out it was your birthday and you had no one to celebrate it with, I knew I wanted to get rid of that lonely look in your eyes. I couldn't stand seeing you look so sad. You deserved to be happy. I didn't even know you, but I knew you deserved to have a spark in your eyes and not the dullness that was there.

So I tried to make you smile. I called in a favor, and when I saw your face light up with happiness and appreciation for a simple thing such as cupcakes, I felt my heart open up to you.

I was sad when you left. I felt like I had been getting to know you a bit, and I wanted to know everything about you before you left. But I understood that you needed to go.

When you left, Gabe told me that he thought you were into me. I wasn't so sure. I couldn't get a good read on you due to your general shyness. He told me to go to the hockey game with you. I was apprehensive about it. I wasn't sure you would appreciate me showing up unannounced.

But Gabe was convinced you would like it. He told me the worst that could happen was that we would have an uncomfortable night and go our separate ways. He said at least we could become friends, which we both knew was something you craved. And he said that the best case scenario was that it led to something more. Something I found that I already wanted even though I had only known you for a couple of hours.

You had already crawled under my skin and were making your way into my heart.

The hockey game was amazing. You looked so happy to see me there. My heart about beat triple time when I saw your smile.

Getting to know you was incredible. I loved talking to you and finding out every little thing you wanted to share. I refused to let you buy a drink in the hopes that this might actually turn into a date. Sure, watching Gabe play was fun, but I had more fun talking to you.

I had a hard time trying to figure out if you were just happy to be around me because you wanted to be friends or if you were possibly into me. There were times when your gaze seemed to linger on me and I thought I saw some interest, but then you would just go back to talking about something and it was as if I was imagining it.

I was afraid I was imagining it.

After the game, I admit that I got a little jealous. You seemed so disappointed that you weren't going to see my brother that I thought you were there more to see him than spend time with me. I worried that maybe you were actually interested in him, but then you said that you just wanted to thank him. You wanted to thank him for getting you a ticket because it allowed you to get to know me better. I think I started to really fall for you then.

I felt like an idiot for snapping at you, so I told you he would get you a shirt in the hopes that it would cheer you up. I felt like a million bucks when it did.

That's what gave me the courage to ask you out for drinks. I immediately felt stupid for suggesting that when you didn't drink, so I tried to backtrack and say that you could obviously get something non-alcoholic and I just rambled like a moron.

My fear turned to even more dread when you turned me down. I knew I had hoped too much that it could be a date. You were obviously not into me, and I had to admit that the rejection hurt worse than anything I had felt in awhile.

But then you said that you would like to, but you needed to go home to your dogs. You were so adorable the way you talked about them. I felt the sting of rejection fade and I just enjoyed being around you again.

I wanted to kiss you so bad that night. And then you asked me to dinner at your house. I hoped that it was a date, but you mentioned me playing with your dogs so I wasn't sure if that was just a ruse or if it was legitimately what you wanted. I really wanted it to be because you were into me, but I didn't want to get my hopes up too much.

I couldn't resist the invitation regardless. I needed to see you again. Even if we ended up friends, it would be worth it.

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I remember when we really became friends. We had been texting since the hockey game and getting to know each other better. I could tell you were more comfortable opening up through text conversations than in person, although we had done well the two times we had actually been around each other. And I wanted to get to know as much about you as I could, so I didn't want to scare you by being too pushy by calling you.

Plus, we could have all day conversations through texting that we couldn't if we actually called each other. That was a big plus in my book.

I had talked to Gabe a lot after the hockey game and told him about how unsure I was if you were interested in me or not. He kept telling me that he was sure you were, particularly since you invited me over for dinner. But, he said that even if he was wrong, then you could still use a friend like me. He also stressed that I could really use a friend, too.

I didn't have many close friends, especially if you didn't count my brother. There was Kyle, and he was my best friend because he was there for me before and after my ex. There were a few women I had met in law school that I spent time with occasionally, but I wasn't close to any of them. I just really had a hard time opening up to people and letting them in. With the loss I had experienced in my past, it was hard to let people become important in my life with the knowledge that they might not be there anymore suddenly one day. But I knew my brother was right and that you and I both could use a really good friend.

I did my best in our text conversations to let you know that I was into you as more than a friend without being too forward. It had been so long since I needed to feel another woman out to see if she was interested in me that I was rusty. Not to mention the fact that I had never felt the way about anyone else that I felt about you since the moment we met. But I never got any hints from you that would confirm if you returned my affections.

I hoped that the dinner would give me a better idea. I was still hoping that it was a date, or at least it would lead to one, so I made an effort to make a good impression. I usually just let my looks and confidence do my work for me, but I had very little confidence with you. You kind of turned me into a schoolgirl, which was a huge change from the tough bitch that most people saw from me.

I was so nervous before I went to your house. I kept questioning myself on whether or not this was a date and what I should wear and if you would like the dessert I got from Kyle's bakery and if it was okay that I bought treats for your animals that you kept adorably gushing over during our conversations. As the time approached I got more nervous, but also more excited. I really couldn't wait to see you. We had talked so much, but I missed being around you. I missed seeing your smile and your eyes and… God, I was so infatuated already.

I wanted to make a good impression on you. I really wanted you to like me the way I liked you. Normally I wouldn't bother about taking dessert over to a friend's house or bringing gifts, but I wanted to do that with you. I wanted to do that _for_ you. Ever since I saw how much you appreciated me getting you those cupcakes for your birthday, I felt the strong desire to do things for you that would put a smile on your face.

Dinner was perfect. Your dogs were so cute and sweet, much like you, and the food you made was incredible. I was almost sure that it was a date when I saw you made breadsticks. I was convinced you had talked to Gabe about what I liked in an effort to impress me, but was surprised when you said you hadn't. You had just somehow made the one thing I absolutely loved most in the world. You were amazing.

My thoughts went in a bad direction when I went into the living room after dinner. I saw your wedding picture and my heart sank. I was positive then that you were so lonely because you were divorced or separated or something and still pining for your husband. I told myself that I was a fucking idiot for getting my hopes up.

Then you told me your story. My heart broke for you. I hated seeing that sadness in your eyes. You were so incredibly strong to go through that. I could definitely see why you were so lonely then. I swore to myself then that I would be there for you. I would be your friend if that was all you ever wanted from me. I wanted to do everything in my power to make you happy and keep you from feeling that loneliness ever again.

I was shocked when you revealed that you had never even kissed anyone other than Sam. You were the most beautiful woman I had seen, so I couldn't have imagined that no one else ever scooped you up. But hearing how Sam was your first love and knowing that not much time had passed since he died, I could see how you wouldn't have had much interest in it. It made me feel that I had a significantly lower chance of dating you, but that didn't matter much at that moment.

The mood of the night definitely shifted from sad when you said you thought Kyle and I were a thing. I couldn't believe that anybody would have come to that conclusion. Then I realized that you had no clue that I was gay. I was scared to tell you then, because if you didn't pick up on it, it might have been because you didn't want to. I was relieved when you said you were perfectly fine with it, but you were quiet for a few moments afterwards so I decided to change the subject.

The rest of the night we spent getting to know each other better and just getting even more comfortable being in each other's presence. I loved being around you. I loved being around your dogs. I loved being in your house. I even loved meeting Lord Tubbington. I wanted the opportunity to be a part of your life even more, so I jumped on the fact that you used to dance to see if maybe we could go out dancing sometime. I definitely would love getting to see you move.

I felt guilty when I saw you getting so tired. I didn't want to keep you up, so I offered to leave. I was startled when you told me you wanted me to stay over. My mind couldn't help but go where it shouldn't have. When you explained you didn't want me driving after I had been drinking, I immediately felt like shit. How could I have been so insensitive to think it was even okay to drive after I had been drinking not long after you had told me how you lost your husband?

I was kind of pleased to spend the night though. It meant I would be able to spend that much more time with you, even if a large chunk of it was spent separated by a wall. I knew I would have a hard time sleeping knowing that you were just a room away. Especially after you walked in on me without my shirt on.

You were so fucking cute with how red your face got. I wanted to just grab you and kiss you then, but you were clearly embarrassed. The way your eyes kept going to my chest even after I had covered it gave me renewed hope that maybe you just might be interested after all. My heart grew lighter and I knew I could fall asleep happy.

The next day we couldn't stay away from each other. I didn't want to leave, and you clearly didn't want me to go either. I loved lounging around on the couch with you and watching a movie. I especially loved falling asleep on the couch with you and waking up with you. I didn't want to leave, so I was glad that I had the convenient excuse of taking you to my place to get the shirt Gabe had promised you and then go out to lunch.

I was worried when I saw you taking a pill. I had no idea what it was for, and you were clearly evasive on the subject when I asked if you were okay. I didn't feel like it was my place to pry, however, so I let it go.

I got a little jealous again when you gushed over the signed shirt my brother got for you. I really was concerned that you were into him. I could handle you being straight, but I could not handle you dating my brother. Not when I was so crazy into you already. I decided to try to feel out your intentions for my brother some more when I asked you why you hadn't dated anybody yet. I was also kind of hoping it would maybe give me an idea if you were even open to dating anyone, much less myself or my brother. I was relieved when you said that you were open to dating, particularly if the right person made their interests in you known. I definitely hoped I had a shot.

And then I saw _her_. All of my insecurities about being a good choice for anyone to date came crashing down on me as my ex came over to be an utter bitch to us. I hated the feelings of worthlessness that Courtney caused in me, and my anger got the better of me. I thought you wouldn't like me lashing out at her, but I loved when you backed me up. I could feel my heart opening up even more to you then. I didn't want you to know how insecure Courtney had made me after we broke up yet, but I knew I would tell you sometime about her. I knew you were going to be an important part of my life, and you would need to know.

You had already become my best friend.

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I remember when we revealed our secrets to each other. We had spent the rest of the day together after our lunch was interrupted by Courtney. We went shopping at the mall and had an awesome time. I loved picking out clothes for you, and I appreciated the fact that you didn't complain at the amount of time I spent in the bookstore like Gabe did. You embraced the fact that I was a book nerd and I liked you even more for it.

But then you started panicking a little. I wasn't sure what it was, but you seemed to be in a big hurry once I mentioned the time. When you practically ran into the house when we got back to your place, I knew something was up. I followed you with worry, and I became concerned when I saw you pull out another pill from the pill container I had seen earlier and swallow it. I really wanted you to tell me what was going on. I hoped you would tell me.

And you did. And my heart broke a little more for you. You had gone through so much already with Sam, but then hearing you had an illness to deal with made me admire your strength even more. I got really worried when you explained your myasthenia gravis to me. I was afraid you could die from it. I almost panicked and had a small inner battle with myself about why I should never let anyone get close, but you reassured me that the odds of you dying from it were very low.

It didn't stop me from worrying, especially after knowing that you had been forgetting to take your medication on time while hanging out with me. I did not want anything to happen to you, especially if it was any reason related to me, so I made it my mission to ensure that you remembered to take your pill on time and that you didn't overwork yourself. I wanted you healthy and happy, and I had no qualms about doing everything I could to make you that way.

I hated hearing that you thought I would think any less of you for having your disease. It was absolutely nothing you could control, and I would never have thought that you were anything less than amazing. I knew I was already feeling really strong about you. I was way over my head and we had barely even known each other for a week. But I couldn't stop how I felt, and I needed you to know that you didn't need to hide anything from me. Ever. Because I still would think you were awesome.

I didn't want you to hide anything or not tell me the truth. I had dealt with people lying to me in the past, and it was a big issue for me. I didn't think you would ever do that to me, but I couldn't help but be relieved when you told me that you had told me the truth about everything. You had just not gotten around to telling me all of it yet, and I could respect that. Because I hadn't told you everything yet either.

I was sad when I learned that you had to stop dancing because of your illness. Obviously, dancing had been something you loved. And to have to stop it so you could learn to live with your disease must have been really hard for you. I worried that you wouldn't be able to dance like I had suggested we do, but you told me you could. I swore that I would watch you and not let you put yourself into a position where you got too weak. I already knew then that I couldn't handle losing you.

I was beyond ecstatic when you suggested that I stay and watch another movie with you. I couldn't stop myself from pulling your feet into my lap. I needed to have contact with you, and you didn't seem to mind. Although I caught myself becoming a little too bold and had to stop myself from rubbing my thumb on your leg several times. I fought to keep a guilty look off of my face when I saw you glance at me out of the corner of my eye every time I did it.

I felt so comfortable with you already. I hated the fact that I needed to leave that night. I didn't have an excuse to stay over again, and I really did need to get some work done the next day that I knew wouldn't get done if I stayed at your house again. So I forced myself to leave. I could swear I saw disappointment in your eyes, but I thought maybe I was putting my own emotions onto you.

I spent the next morning looking up myasthenia gravis and researching it. I wanted to know as much about it as I could so I could be prepared. What I read both scared me and comforted me. It looked like it could be controlled well with medication, but serious complications and death could happen. I knew I wouldn't be able to stop myself from watching over you.

I also couldn't stop myself from calling Gabe that morning and making him analyze the weekend I had spent with you. He still was adamant about thinking that you were definitely attracted to me and wouldn't be opposed to dating me, but he had to admit that the fact that you were a widow and your only love was a man put a damper on his enthusiasm for our chances of getting together. He did say that the fact that we spent over 24 hours together (most of that actually in each other's company) was a really good sign though.

I was stressing over it. I was so into you and I wanted to be something more than just friends with you. But I was willing to take things a day at a time and see what may come of it. I just knew that I couldn't put myself out there and risk rejection. I would be much happier just being your friend than scaring you off because I told you that I had feelings for you. I would learn to handle it. In the meantime, I would continue to talk to you and hang out with you and basically just continue what we had already started.

I had to keep checking up on you every day. I worried about you. I worried that you would forget your medication and something would happen to you. I was always relieved when you said you took your pill on time, and I was grateful for the fact that you took my paranoid over-protectiveness in stride.

I was grateful for the buffer of Gabe when we got together again for dinner. I was afraid that I would reveal my feelings to you, but having my brother there helped to ground me a little. Mostly I was just happy to see your beautiful face again.

We made plans to all go out dancing together, and I had been looking so forward to it. We had dinner at my place first and you were going to spend the night. But then I thought I kind of ruined everything when I told you about my family. But you just hugged me and empathized with me, and our dinner went off without a hitch after that.

I couldn't wait to get you on the dance floor. I wanted to see your skills, and I wanted to dance with you. I wanted to see if maybe I could tell if you were attracted to me. I thought maybe your reaction to my outfit was a good sign, but it still wasn't definitive. You blushed at practically everything, so you blushing at my low cut dress wasn't exactly proof. Gabe told me you definitely were attracted to me, but I still couldn't believe him.

You looked so damn sexy in your dress and while you were dancing. Dancing with you was so fucking hot. I was getting so turned on, and I couldn't resist getting closer to you. Then you pulled away a little and started leaning into Gabe more, and my jealousy spiked. Every time I thought maybe you could be into me, something happened to make me question it and make my head go into a bad place. I didn't mean to get so drunk that night, but being jealous of my brother really screwed me up. Being so close to you and having my feelings grow so much already made me react stronger to thinking you wanted my brother and not me.

I felt like I was a horrible friend for letting myself drink so much and not keeping a closer eye on you. I mean, I was watching you all night. My eyes couldn't leave you as you danced. But I wasn't in my right mind enough to realize that you were probably wearing yourself out. And then I blurted out that I didn't want you crushing on my brother but covered it by saying I didn't want him to hurt you. It definitely made me feel so much better when you said you didn't like him like that. But it didn't mean you liked me like that.

In the end, you had to take care of me that night instead of me taking care of you. You made sure I got to the apartment okay and helped me to my room. I felt so guilty. I was supposed to take care of you. I _wanted_ to take care of you. Instead I let my insecurities get the best of me.

That was why I couldn't kiss you outside my room. Even though I wanted to. So, so badly. I didn't feel like I even deserved you if you wanted me. So I made myself put my walls up and went to bed, and I promised myself that I would act like nothing had happened so I didn't make a fool of myself. I also promised that I would never let myself forget that you were my priority. I couldn't let myself get so drunk that you had to help me walk when you were the one who struggled with weakness.

As much as I swore you wouldn't have to take care of me again, I couldn't prevent it. We had been hanging out and talking for weeks after that night. We met up for dinner a couple nights a week and we got even more comfortable around each other. I loved spending Saturdays going out shopping or hanging at your place and watching a movie. I felt myself falling for you even more, and it got even more serious when I got sick.

I told you not to come over. I didn't want you getting sick, since I knew it could make your weakness worse and that scared me. But you were adamant and you came over to take care of me. You made me soup and brought me medicine and ginger ale. You helped to nurse me back to health. You stayed with me throughout the day and were surprised that, for years, no one, not even an old girlfriend, had taken care of me when I was sick. It led to me confessing that Courtney had cheated on me our whole relationship, and you telling me that Sam had cheated on you twice.

I was angry when you told me that. How anyone could possibly cheat on you was a mystery to me. I hated that he hurt you like that. If he were alive I would probably go kick his ass for doing that to you. I also didn't like how you excused his behavior. You said you didn't and that you were angry about it, but you did give reasons why it wasn't all his fault and you got back together with him both times.

It made me sad that you felt like you would never find anyone who loved you like he did. Because I could love you better than he did, I was sure of it. If you could only see it.

I could tell that his cheating on you still affected you a lot. Just as finding out that Courtney (the one woman I thought I did love) had never loved me and had been sneaking around for two years had left scars in me. It seemed we had more in common than I thought. That day just made me realize it, and made me realize exactly how much I wanted to be the one who gave you everything and made your heart complete.

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I remember when I realized that I was in love with you. We had gotten so comfortable around each other over the weeks that we started cuddling when we hung out. I adored those times, and I was upset when I had to cancel our usual Friday night plans for a work meeting. I hated not being able to see you. So I promised to make it up to you the next day by spending the whole day with you.

I wanted to murder the colleagues that kept me out that night. I would have much rather been cuddling on the couch with you, watching a movie and breathing in your scent. I felt bad about not even being able to talk to you at all that night, and I honestly didn't sleep that well from the irritation and the fact that I hadn't been able to see you.

I got up fairly early the next morning because I couldn't wait to see you anymore. I hoped you wouldn't mind, and I was so happy when you suggested spending the day together at the zoo. I knew I would enjoy seeing your face light up at seeing all of the animals.

You were so adorable in the car on the way to the zoo. You were singing some Whitney Houston song and I couldn't resist joining in. Your voice was good, and you were having so much fun getting lost in the music. I was embarrassed when you stopped singing to listen to me. I had loved singing when I was younger, but I was never confident enough in my voice to let people hear me much. After hearing some of the talented people in my high school choir sing, I definitely didn't have the confidence in my voice to pursue it. You made me feel so much better when you said that you loved my voice. I would sing for you every day if you wanted me to.

The zoo was so much fun. I was right about how cute you looked when you watched the animals with a big grin on your face. We were standing by the otter exhibit when you were talking about how otters hold each other's hands so they don't float away. I realized then that I didn't want you to float away from me. I wanted to hold your hand forever. I knew that I had really strong feelings for you, but I realized then that I had fallen completely in love with you. My heart raced at the thought, but I fought to keep my feelings from showing. I was scared of running you off if you knew, but I couldn't keep going the way things were going now that I knew I was in love with you. Something was going to have to change, but I definitely didn't want to lose you.

I kept my feelings bottled up as we continued around the zoo. Watching you helped a lot, and it was relaxing to take our time looking at the animals. When we stopped for lunch, I saw you looking at the kids running around with a wistful look on your face. We talked about wanting kids in the future, and I was surprised when you thought that you would never find someone who would want to be with you and raise kids together. Because there was someone sitting right in front of you who desperately wanted that with you. I hoped that you would realize that you would find someone to be with, even if it wasn't me.

I saw the stuffed otter in the gift shop and I just knew that I had to buy it for you. I got all happy at the thought of giving you something that you could cuddle with in my place. Plus, it was the otters that made me realize just how deep my feelings for you ran. And the otters were clearly your favorite. Seeing your face after I gave it to you showed me that I made the right decision. You were so happy. I loved that I could make you happy.

When we were cuddling on your couch after dinner, I got worried. You seemed really tired and I was afraid that you got too weak. You assured me that you just needed some rest, but I couldn't stop my concern. I knew that I was so concerned because I loved you.

When you looked at me, I thought maybe you could see it. Your eyes kind of widened but got dark. You held your breath and I held mine. Your face flushed a little and you licked your lips as if you wanted to kiss me. I wanted to kiss you so bad, and your lips looked so tempting. I almost pulled you into me to do just that, but then you turned away and sat up.

My heart broke. I thought then that you clearly didn't want me. I needed to pull myself away from you before I became shattered by you in the end. I needed to draw back and allow myself to become used to being in love with my best friend without needing to try to be more than that. I told you that I couldn't do this anymore. I was so pissed at Gabe then for continuing to encourage me to go after you. I was more pissed at myself and my stupid heart for falling in love with a straight woman.

I lied to you when I said that I needed to pull back to stop from falling in love with you. I was already in love, but I was terrified of you finding that out. I thought that, maybe, if you just thought that I had a crush then you wouldn't run away.

But you totally surprised me. You told me you weren't straight. Then you told me that you had feelings for me too. I was so confused. But I was so happy. I didn't like the fact that you said you never thought I would be interested in you. That you thought no one would want to be with the shy, awkward girl. That you thought I was out of your league. Nothing could be further from the truth. You were made for me.

I couldn't wait to take you out on a date. I about jumped for joy when you agreed to go out with me the next day. I felt the happiest I had ever been when we cuddled more intimately than ever before while we watched the movie. You falling asleep in my arms made me smile and feel completely at peace. I was where I belonged, with you in my arms.

I wanted to kiss you when I left, but I could sense your nervousness. I figured I would make it more special by saving our first kiss for our first date. So I kissed you on your cheek, and even that sent thrilling tingles through my body and made my heart beat harder.

I about melted when I saw the picture you sent of you in bed cuddled with the otter. I wished so badly it was me, but I loved that the otter did what I intended it to do. I was so glad that we were finally able to start telling each other how we really felt, and being able to tell you that I missed you and couldn't wait to see you again made me feel so much lighter. There was no more hiding.

I spent a good chunk of time that night planning out our date. I wanted it to be memorable. I wanted it to be so special. I wanted it to be perfect. Once I felt that I had as perfect of a plan as I could have, I went to bed much happier than I could ever remember being. I looked forward to the next day so much.

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I remember when our relationship first started. I was so nervous before our date. I called Gabe and bugged the shit out of him asking whether or not my date ideas were any good. He was gloating about the fact that he had been right all along, and his date ideas were terrible. He basically just told me to get you into bed. What the hell had I been thinking in asking him for advice? He was horrible at relationships.

I was so excited to see you. I was happy when you seemed just as eager to see me for our date when I called you to tell you when I would get you for the day. I still loved that we were able to be more honest with each other and say the things we had held back from saying before. I didn't want to hang up the phone, but I had so much stuff to do to prepare for the date.

I did my errands, but I was torn over what kind of flowers to get you. I wanted to get you purple roses because I knew I started falling for you at first sight. I at least had been so enamored by you the moment we met that it was sure to turn into love. But I was afraid you would know what that meant, and I didn't want to freak you out with love on our first date. So I talked myself out of the rose and saw some bright blue carnations that reminded me of your eyes. I couldn't find one that matched the color exactly, but I found the closest one and I knew it was perfect.

My nerves were running high until I saw you. You looked so beautiful. I was completely calm after that. I knew that the night was going to be perfect.

And it was. The appetizer picnic, the dinner at the Italian restaurant, and walking hand in hand while eating your favorite dessert. We got to know each other on a whole different level. We were content by the pond. We bonded over dinner. We got cuddly at dessert. I was happy that I hadn't done something really fancy. I didn't want to be uncomfortable in an upscale restaurant where we couldn't really talk. I could tell you really loved the night too.

I wished I could have stayed the night, but we both had to work early in the morning and I didn't want to keep you up late. You were so disappointed, and it was adorable. I didn't want the date to end either, but I knew how to end it perfectly. I needed to kiss you. My heart was pounding as I leaned in, and I could swear everything stopped when my lips met yours so softly. I had to make sure it wasn't a dream, so I kissed you again and it all happened in just the same way. It was amazing. It was incredible. It was the best kiss I had ever had.

I was ecstatic about our date. I gushed to my brother about how amazing it was. He was so happy for me. For the both of us, actually. He had never seen me like this about anyone before. Gabe knew you were special from the beginning. That's why he teased me all of the time by calling you sis-in-law after we started to date. I couldn't even be embarrassed by it. I wanted to marry you one day. I wasn't ashamed of feeling that way. I just hoped you wanted it too.

Our dates were wonderful. We spent less time going out doing special planned things and more time hanging out at one of our places (usually yours) cuddling and making out. God, kissing you was and is incredible. I could never get enough of it. I loved it when you would tangle your fingers in my hair. It would send my pulse racing because it made me feel like you were getting lost in me and trying to bring me closer. I knew you loved it too, so I made sure to wear my hair down most of the time when I was with you.

And when our caresses got bolder and our kisses grew deeper, I was in heaven. I let you set the pace for how everything progressed because I knew you were nervous about being intimate with somebody new. I would wait forever for you, so I could be patient.

I wanted to make our first month anniversary special. That first month dating you had been the best dates I had ever been on. I wanted to tell you I loved you, but I was still scared it was too soon. I wasn't sure if you were ready to be in such a serious relationship, especially since you had only ever been with Sam. So I tried to give you a hint and see if I could maybe get an idea of if you felt the same.

I gave you a purple rose for our first month anniversary date. I was both relieved and a little disappointed when you didn't know what it meant. Relieved because I didn't have to risk you freaking out if you didn't feel the same. Disappointed because I really did want to tell you how I felt, and hoped you felt the same. I thought you were maybe getting there, but I was afraid you wouldn't feel quite the same way I did about you.

I was really excited about the night. I planned dinner at a good restaurant near the theater where we would go see a musical. I was afraid the night was ruined when my ex showed up. She was such a bitch, and she insulted you. I wanted to hit her so badly, but you stepped in. You defended me and yourself, and you put her in her place. To top it all off, you called me baby and said you were never going to let me go. If I hadn't been in love with you before, I definitely would have been after that.

The show was amazing, but all I could honestly think about while watching it was you. I wanted to be with you so badly, but, honestly, Courtney's digs at me had made me insecure about my abilities to please you. The insecurities only got worse when we were making out heatedly and I made a move to take things further. You stopped me from taking our relationship to the next level, and I worried. I thought you had been as into it as I was, but maybe I was wrong.

You reassured me that you wanted me just as badly, but you were nervous. I was afraid you felt guilty moving on from Sam, and that was why you were hesitant to have sex with me. You said that it wasn't that, but it was because you hadn't been with anyone else and you were afraid you wouldn't be good or that I wouldn't find you attractive. I told you that I could never see you as anything but beautiful, and I wanted desperately to show you that, but I would wait for you.

Then I got worried that maybe you were still nervous about taking that next step with me because you didn't think I could please you. You told me that Courtney didn't know what she was talking about, because the way I made you feel just from making out was better than anyone else had made you feel. I felt like I was flying when you told me that. I felt even better when you asked me to spend the night in your bed. Just to sleep, of course. But I could honestly think of nothing better than falling asleep with you and waking up with you in the morning.

I loved being in your arms in your bed. Yeah, Lord Tubbington trying to crush me when we were kissing was kind of a drawback, but having you fall asleep while holding me was one of the best moments of my life. I never told you this, but once I knew you were asleep I whispered that I loved you just to see how it sounded. It sounded amazing.

After the rude interruption of your alarm early in the morning, I was still happy to discover that I woke up in your arms. Waking up to your kisses was something I wanted to do every day for the rest of our lives. You went to go feed the dogs, and I think I kind of fell back asleep. I was semi-aware of you getting back into bed, but I wasn't aware enough to respond to you. I think you said something to me, but if I heard it I didn't remember it. All I remembered was feeling completely happy. I hoped I could make you feel that way too.

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I remember when you asked me to be your girlfriend. Things had been going great between us since we started dating. I was the happiest I had ever been, and I knew I wanted you to be my girlfriend. I just wasn't exactly sure if you were ready for that. I kind of hoped that we were there, and I honestly kind of hoped that you thought we already were girlfriends.

I talked to Gabe about you a lot. He knew how head over heels I was for you, and he told me to just go for it. As an outsider, he could see how you felt better than I could in my opinion, and he told me that you would gladly be my girlfriend. I was still nervous though. And I talked to Kyle about you a lot, too. He was a great friend and listened to me when I gushed over you, but it wasn't until I finally introduced you that he saw how you felt about me. He told me that you were just as crazy about me as I was about you. I had to ask you to be my girlfriend. I was planning on talking to you about it soon, but you beat me to it.

It was my birthday when you surprised me. You made the same dinner you had made when I came over to your house the first time. You went all out, and it was incredible. I had a bad day at work, and what you did was perfect and helped me to unwind. And when you showed me those cupcakes that asked me to be your girlfriend, I about died from all of the love pooling in my chest. I made a mental note to beat Kyle's ass for keeping it a secret from me though.

The way you asked me to be your girlfriend was as adorable as you were. It was better than anything I could imagine. I had to tease you a little bit by hovering my hand over the wrong cupcake, but of course my answer would be yes! I had to admit that I was glad you asked me to be your girlfriend before I was able to, because it meant that you were just as invested in us as I was. I hoped it meant you were falling for me.

Your birthday gifts were so thoughtful, too. You were already the best girlfriend I ever had, and we had only been girlfriends for less than thirty minutes. The charm bracelet was the best gift I had ever gotten. The thought you had put behind it in picking out the charms astounded me. But my favorite charm was the flower, because even though you didn't know the meaning of flowers, you understood that the flowers I gave you were important to me. And the fact that you got me a flower that I could keep forever really touched me.

When you said that there was one more gift, I was trying to refuse you giving me anything else. But you ended up giving me something I hadn't expected on my birthday. You led me back to your room and I had no clue what was going on. At least I didn't have a clue until you pulled your shirt off.

I was completely stunned. I was worried you were moving too fast for yourself and you were forcing yourself to do it because it was my birthday. But you told me you were ready, even if you were nervous. I could see that you were ready, and I knew I would be so gentle with you. I would take care of you.

You gave me yourself on my birthday. Not just physically, but emotionally. You were the most beautiful woman I had ever seen when you stood before me with nothing on. Yes, your body was incredible, and I made sure that you knew I thought so. But your inner beauty was stronger to me. I could see that you felt so much for me, and you were giving me something so special.

Oh, you were so nervous! You were scared you wouldn't be able to please me, but I told you I would help you through it. I was glad that you gave me the pleasure of touching you first. Being given the gift of making love to you was the most incredible thing I could have been given. Because that was what our first time was. It wasn't sex. It was making love. I was so head over heels for you, and I wanted you to feel it in my touch and the way I made your body respond to me.

There were so many things I wanted to do with you and to you, but I kept it simple. I knew you were uncomfortable with sex in general and really nervous, so I went slowly and kept my body in contact with yours underneath me. And when you shattered in my arms… oh my! It was the most beautiful and sexy thing I had ever seen before.

I felt like I was on top of the world for making you feel that good. Especially after you told me that I had given you your first orgasm by fingers. And then you wanted to make me feel good. I could sense your nervousness, but I guided you through it. Honestly, you didn't need much guiding. You were incredible and had me coming apart in no time.

Sex with you was awesome. You were the best lover I ever had. Not only because the sex was better with feelings, but because you were so open and eager. Anything I suggested we do, you were up for. And you suggested so many things that you wanted to do with me before I even could. I never would have pictured that the woman I had first met, who blushed at a glance from me, would have turned out to be one of the most imaginative and enthusiastic lovers in my life. I couldn't get enough of you. And, to my delight, the feeling was mutual.

I was so overwhelmed with feelings for you after my birthday weekend that I had to give you a token of my love. I sent you a single red rose to commemorate our first time. It was kind of funny, because I knew you wouldn't know that it meant that I loved you, even if roses were a universal symbol of love. I didn't care if you figured it out though.

When Gabe got traded, I was distraught. You did your best to keep my mind off of it, but having my brother be living away from me for the first time since I was in college was hard for me to handle. He was my only family, and the person I was closest to in the world. I was getting close to you, but I still had only known you for a few months. I was just glad that I had you when Gabe was leaving me.

His going away party at the club was a bit of a joke for us. Because it was just about you and me practically getting it on on the dance floor. We would have our real goodbye to Gabe another time. The dancing we were doing was working us both up so much, and I knew our night back at my place would be incredible.

I had avoided going down on you since we first became intimate. Mostly because I wasn't sure if you were comfortable with it. You had only been with a man before, so I didn't know if you wanted sex like that. And you had been nervous about showing your body to me, so I wasn't sure if you would want me to get that close to the most intimate parts of your body. But you seemed up for anything with me, and I couldn't resist my desire to taste you anymore that night. God, I was so fucking happy when you said you wanted it. You tasted so good. I couldn't get enough.

Then you returned the favor and Jesus! You were so good! I didn't think I had ever come so hard before. I knew we had become even closer after that. We were getting closer to the point where I felt that I could tell you that I loved you.

Saying goodbye to Gabe was hard, so I was glad you were with me when we had to let him go. He had always given me a hard time, and his constant teasing over our sex life was annoying. He even teased me about our sex life before we had one, it was ridiculous. But he was my brother and the one person I had loved most in my life until you came along. My heart broke watching him move away.

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I remember when we first said those three words to each other. We had been dating for over five months and still hadn't said 'I love you'. I wanted to say it so many times, but I was still scared. I was kind of waiting for you to say it first, because… well, because I was chicken. You had already had love and been married, and I had this fear that you wouldn't be able to love me because you still loved Sam. It was crazy, I know, but I was so insecure still after Courtney.

There were still things I hadn't told you about in regards to my relationship with her. I hated not telling you, but we still weren't serious yet. At least, not the kind of serious where I felt I could tell you everything. We were crazy about each other and spent every weekend together and some weeknights, but we still hadn't confessed love for one another or talked about moving in together or anything like that.

You had done so much for me after Gabe had left. Even though I talked to him every day, I still had a hard time knowing that he wasn't just a quick drive away. You were a constant presence, and we did much more going out with friends and with each other. I didn't mind hanging out with Kyle and his boyfriend because he was my best friend, and Sandy and Gus were awesome.

But my other friends weren't as close to me, and they didn't understand how special you were to me. They gave me a hard time about never having time for them anymore, but I couldn't care less about what they thought. You were more important to me, and it made me feel so great that you wanted to continue to be with me. Even if I was still afraid that you might disappear like nearly everyone else I ever loved had.

My fears seemed justified when I came home from work one Friday. You were going to spend the weekend at my place because we were going to go to the hockey game that Gabe was in Columbus for on Saturday. I was happy to see you were already there when I walked in. I realized something was wrong pretty quickly. You looked terrified and guilty when I saw you standing in the dining area of my apartment, and I felt a sickening kind heaviness settle in my stomach. I was happy when I saw Gabe, but then I realized that he was standing in his boxers with a half naked woman in my kitchen and everyone just kind of looked uncomfortable and scared.

It didn't take long for me to figure out what had happened. I couldn't believe you had thought I would cheat on you. You knew how I felt about cheating. We had talked about it several times before. We both hated it, and I loved you too much to ever do that to you. But then again, I had never told you that I loved you, so how would you have known that?

Mostly I was pissed at Gabe for even creating a situation that would have made you think that. I wanted to be mad at you, but I couldn't. I was just upset and sad. It was so hard for me to keep from falling apart. I held onto the anger I felt at Gabe and used it to hold myself together. I used it and I took it out on you, and it hurt me that I did that.

I had to listen to you explain what happened though. And I understood that it was just a knee-jerk reaction to what you had seen and you didn't really think deep down that I had cheated on you. You had been so scarred by Sam's cheating that you were terrified of it ever happening again. I felt the same way because of Courtney, and I knew that, if our situations were reversed, I probably would have had the same exact reaction.

I couldn't be upset with you anymore. I was still mad at my brother though. I knew it wouldn't last long. He was my brother after all, and even if he could be completely stupid sometimes, I still loved him.

My emotions were so raw after that. I needed to let you know that you were the most important thing in my life, but my heart was still hurt a little from what had just happened. You seemed to recognize that I needed you, and you took me on the kitchen counter. I had to have that closeness with you, and my heart started to heal as I felt your passion for me in your touch.

I wanted to show you how much I wanted you too. But as I started to kiss you, I realized that I wanted to show you how much I loved you. Where you took me hard, I made love to you. I kept my eyes locked onto yours to let you see how I felt and I watched the same emotions flicker in your beautiful blue eyes. And as you came, I felt so close to you watching you let yourself go completely. You trusted me with your body and your feelings and your heart. It hit me so hard then. I had to tell you that I loved you.

After I said the words, I felt so relieved. I was so happy to finally say the words to you when you were awake. And then your eyes just got big and you asked me to move in with you instead. I was so mad at myself. I had moved too soon. You didn't love me, and you were trying to avoid the words by asking me to move in with you. I felt even worse when you started backtracking and saying that it wasn't what you meant to say and just tripping all over your words. I had never felt this bad before. Not even earlier in the evening when you thought I had cheated on you.

I didn't want to say it again when you asked me to. But you pleaded with me, so I did with the hope that maybe it would turn out differently the second time I said it. And it did. You told me you loved me back. You were in love with me! And you did want me to move in with you. I could feel the pieces start falling into place. We were taking the next step to spending the rest of our lives together.

I didn't care if people might have thought it was too fast. I loved you more than I had ever loved anyone else. You loved me, and you wanted a life with me. Gabe was happy for us when I called him the next morning and told him everything after I told him I was still upset but that I forgave him. Hearing his joy at us confessing our love and deciding to move in together made me feel so much better, and I was no longer mad at him. I was just overwhelmingly, insanely happy. And it was all because of you.

Things turned a little sour as Thanksgiving approached though. I found out that you hadn't told your parents about me yet. I was so mad at you. I felt like maybe you were ashamed of me, or maybe you didn't love me enough to want your family to know about us. I mean, we lived together and you said you loved me, but your parents had no clue I was anything other than a friend to you.

I knew you were a pretty private person. You didn't like to open up to people. You told me many times that you weren't close to your family. It wasn't really something that I could understand, since I would have given anything to be able to have my family around again. But I knew that was just the way you were. You told me many times that I was the only person you felt comfortable opening up to completely, which made me feel special. But I thought that you would be able to tell your family that we were together.

You tried to explain it to me. You said that you weren't trying to hide me, but you were scared of how they would react. You were afraid that they would look at you differently. You wanted them to know about me and about us, but you wanted them to see how we felt about each other before dropping it on them. I got what you were saying, although I was still upset. I promised you that I would be by your side when you told them, and you were relieved.

I still wasn't very happy with you though. We had settled into living with each other, but it wasn't as comfortable as it was when I first moved in. I was afraid. I was afraid that you weren't going to tell your family and that would mean that I was invested much more in us than you were. I was afraid that you were never going to love me as much as you loved Sam. I withdrew a little bit, and just hoped with everything in me that Thanksgiving would prove my fears unfounded.

I loved living in your house. It felt more like home to me than anything had since I was younger. I loved that you were willing to make it _our_ home and allow touches of me and touches of us in it. I didn't want you to change everything about it, because I did love it as it was, but I also wanted to feel like it was our place. I also didn't want you to completely get rid of Sam, so I told you to leave a picture of him up. I knew he was just as important a part of your life as any of your family or mine, so I didn't want you to feel that you needed to remove him for my sake.

The thing I did not like about moving in with you, however, was that you wouldn't let me contribute financially. You knew I made a good salary at my job. I made damn good money, and even though you made a great salary, I didn't want you to feel like you needed to take care of me. You thought that I wasn't as good financially as you were, but I honestly didn't know why you thought that, much less why I let you continue to really even think it.

I knew I should have told you that I had an inheritance. I could have afforded to buy you a house double the size of the one we lived in and it wouldn't even make a dent on what I had access to. I was still hesitant to talk about it with you because of what had happened to me with Courtney. That, and the fact that I was still afraid you weren't as invested in our relationship as I was.

I told myself that I would tell you about it if things went well at Thanksgiving. I was nervous when we got there. Your mom was really nice, even if I didn't get why she paid more attention to your dogs than to you when we first got there. You were so adorable with your nephew. He was adorable and shy, just like you. I could picture you playing with a child of your own that looked just like him and I wanted to see that so badly in our future.

Your sister was really nice, and we got along pretty well. Her husband was pretty laid back too. Your dad was the one that scared me. He seemed very quiet and withdrawn and rather stern. I knew you said he would be the one to give us problems, and I could definitely see that. I felt more comfortable after I helped you and your mom in the kitchen. I could see where you got your love of cooking from.

I thought things would go well when your dad seemed impressed by the fact that I was a lawyer and my brother was a hockey player. Then Bonnie noticed how you were holding my hand and put everything together. She let everybody know we were together, much as you predicted would happen. I was happy that you were easily confirming our relationship, and I gladly gave you silent support so you could come out to your family. Bonnie and your mother were clearly okay with it, but then your dad got so upset.

My heart broke for you. He was upset and couldn't believe it. He started to blame me for taking advantage of you, and I was so proud of you when you said that he was wrong and were in love with me. I hated it for you when he stormed out of the dining room without a further word to you. I could see why you were hesitant about telling them before. I was just so unbelievably proud of you that you finally did it and I fell even more in love with you then. I knew that you loved me as much as I loved you.

You told me that you were okay with what happened. I could tell you really weren't, even though you said otherwise. You wanted your dad to accept us. You wanted him to accept me in your life. I wanted that so much for you, because I wasn't planning on leaving and I didn't want you to have any sort of strain in your relationship with your family. I was relieved when he apologized the next morning and told us that he was happy for us. You were right about him. It only took him some time to calm down and see how good we were for each other in order to come to terms with it. I knew now that we didn't have much more standing in our way to forever with each other.

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I remember when we had our first Christmas together. Everything had become much more comfortable after Thanksgiving. I was so in love with you and the happiest woman in the world. I knew that this would be the best Christmas I could remember, so we both enthusiastically got into decorating the house for the holidays.

I had so much fun going out and getting a tree with you. And my happiness spilled over into song while we were decorating. I knew you loved my singing, and I no longer felt the need to be ashamed of it when we were together. I gladly sang in front of you and with you, and I secretly loved it when you would just stop what you were doing and listen to me with a smile on your face and love in your eyes.

Living with you was the best thing. Seriously. I got flutters in my chest waking up to you in the morning, and I felt like I was exactly where I belonged when we fell asleep in each other's arms at night. You always looked so beautiful, but never more than when you were curled up with me with no makeup and a smile on your face.

Your parents overwhelmed me with their presents for me. I never would have imagined how much thought your mother would have put into presents in the short amount of time since she knew we had been together. Apparently she had been bugging you a lot for details about me since our announcement and she knew exactly what would be perfect gifts for me. But your dad, by far, gave us the best gift. That picture frame he made for us and engraved with our names was not only beautiful, but it was a way to show us that he fully supported us. It made me so happy. So did the stocking your mom made for me. It felt like I was already part of your family. I hoped I could be.

Our Christmas celebration was much more intimate. We had done a great job getting presents for each other. I thought you were going to flip out on me with the necklace and earrings I got you. I knew you would think I spent too much money, but I honestly held back. I would have bought you so much more. I only settled for the jewelry because I wanted you to have something that was as beautiful as you, and so that people could see that you belonged to someone without buying you a ring. I didn't think we were quite to that point. Yet.

You outdid me by surprising me with a trip for us to go to Ireland. I argued with you about the expense. You wouldn't listen to me. I pleaded with you to let me pay for part of it. You refused. I felt so guilty for not telling you about my inheritance. At this point I was just scared to tell you because I had kept it from you for so long, and I was afraid you would be so mad at me for hiding something from you. I knew I couldn't win the argument with you, so I just accepted the fact that we were going to Ireland and you wouldn't let me pay for it.

It was a beautiful day for us overall. We relaxed and cuddled and just had a wonderful holiday. We went to bed happy.

But then you made me the most scared I had ever been in my life that night. You jumped out of bed and woke me up as you ran into the bathroom. I ran after you and saw you hanging over the toilet, looking pale and sweaty. Then you started to throw up, and I sprang into action. I held your hair back and cleaned you up, but you couldn't stop vomiting. I was so freaked out as you started to get weaker and you didn't seem to show any signs of stopping.

You told me you needed to go to the hospital and I wanted to cry. I was terrified that you were going to get so bad that you wouldn't be able to recover. I was scared I was going to lose you. But you needed me to be strong for you. I swore before that I would take care of you, and I needed to do it then when you needed me the most. You couldn't even really walk, and I was struggling to get you to the car. I wasn't strong enough to carry you. I felt so worthless. I couldn't let you down.

We finally got you to the hospital, but it seemed like no matter what they did you couldn't stop throwing up. Thankfully you didn't develop aspiration pneumonia, and eventually you were resting once the morning came. I was too worried to get any sleep, and I was pissed when they wouldn't let me in your room when they admitted you into the hospital. I tried to argue with them, but they told me I could visit you when visiting hours started. I cried then, in the bathroom by myself.

I only calmed down when I was able to see you again. You looked so much better, but you were still so weak. Your eyelids could only open halfway and you had a hard time talking. You couldn't even sit up by yourself. You scared me so much, but you assured me that you would be okay. I didn't want to leave you, but you made me go. I had to take care of the dogs since they had been home alone all night. I let you sleep and I went home.

I was so exhausted, but I could only sleep for a couple hours without you. I headed back to the hospital in the afternoon and stayed with you until I had to leave. You were steadily improving, and thankfully the vomiting was over and you would be able to restart your medication. Since you had become so dehydrated, you needed to stay another night so your potassium levels could be replenished. Neither of us wanted to spend the night apart, but I knew it was necessary for you to get better. I went home and cried in bed, cuddling with the stuffed otter I got you and surrounded by the dogs. I never told you how terrified I was without you by my side that night. It wasn't until I took you home that I was able to relax again.

Things were much better after that. You went back to normal and it was as if the horror of Christmas night never happened. We went out dancing again, we celebrated a wonderful Valentine's Day, and, before we knew it, your birthday would be upon us. It was almost a year since the first time we had met. I asked if you wanted anything special for your birthday, and what you told me surprised me.

You wanted to get a strap-on to use on me. I had never done that before, and the thought both thrilled me and made me nervous. But I would do anything for you. And the fact that you wanted it meant that I was going to do it. I was just still so amazed that you were so adventurous with sex. I never would have guessed it when we first met. You were still shy and embarrassed easily, but you knew what you wanted in bed and weren't afraid to get it.

I wanted to make your birthday special, and I thought I did a good job. That night was amazing, and you were so incredible. I definitely would be up for doing that again and again. You were, by far, the best lover I had ever had and you were just getting better with time.

Our trip to Ireland was beautiful. It was a truly magical place, and I felt something with us while we were there. It was like we needed to be there to have something fully click with us. I knew that I was in love with you and you were in love with me. But when we were there, I felt like we were finally going to be on our way to spending forever with each other. I knew that I wanted to marry you. I decided in Ireland that I should maybe start bringing it up with you. We had been together for a year, even though you didn't ask me to be your girlfriend officially until my birthday. I counted the first month and a half we were dating because we were together exclusively. I figured that was long enough to start talking about marriage.

Then you started acting a little weird. At first I thought it had been because you planned on surprising me with Gabe coming back to town for the summer. God, you made me so happy with that. All of those little things that you did showed me that you loved me. But your behavior didn't get any better. You seemed stressed and nervous, and then you told me that you were stressed over your new project at work. So I planned a nice relaxing, romantic evening for us, and I could see you appreciated it.

But your behavior was still strange. You were going out shopping with Gabe every weekend saying that you were looking for presents for my birthday. I could believe it, but it didn't really explain what was going on. I knew you still loved me, but the way you were acting was enough for me to hesitate on discussing marriage with you. I hoped that you were maybe just stressing on finding the perfect gift for me, but you had always been great at picking out presents before. I hoped it was just something like that.

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I remember when you proposed. Your strange behavior continued through until my birthday. You seemed to relax a little bit, but I could still see you were nervous about something. I honestly had no idea what was going on, but I figured it had something to do with my birthday.

You woke me up to breakfast in bed, and even though I would have rather have made love to you than eat it, I loved your thoughtfulness. The food was delicious, as usual, and you made me hurry up to get ready because we had a big day. I wondered what my surprise could be.

When you took me out to where we first met and explained the sort of scavenger hunt you had planned, I definitely knew you had something big you had been working on for me. At that moment, I knew all of your strange behavior was related to this and I relaxed. I loved that the clues led me to places that were important to us and our relationship.

I kind of thought that, when we went to my old apartment, I would be walking into a surprise party. But you told me that we didn't need to go in and handed me the next clue. I honestly had no idea what was going on, but I liked the game you made for me. I wondered what was in the little boxes that contained my presents. I kind of figured they were more charms for my bracelet, but I wouldn't find out until you let me open them.

The rest of the scavenger hunt was fun and made my heart feel full. You remembered so much about our relationship like I did, and all of the big moments in my mind were just as big for you. You made the day so amazingly special, and I knew it would be the best birthday. It would be even better than last year, when we made love for the first time. I just knew that the day was leading up to something big.

I never could have guessed what it was. When we got home, you let me open all seven of the little boxes. I was so surprised to find little wooden blocks with different letters on them instead of the charms I had been expecting. You explained that the game wasn't over yet, and I needed to figure out what the blocks were supposed to spell out.

It hit me hard when I realized what you wanted me to spell out. I thought for sure that I couldn't be right. But that was the only thing that made sense. I knew then why you had been acting funny. Why you had been so nervous and going shopping with my brother every weekend. The words you wanted me to spell out were 'marry me', and it was confirmed I had gotten it right when you kneeled down in front of me with a ring box.

Even when you did that, I still couldn't really believe it. I felt like I was dreaming. We hadn't even talked about it yet. I was sure I was going to be the one to propose to you, but you were there, in front of me, with an engagement ring and a question. You told me I was your true love and your soulmate. You told me everything I ever wanted to hear and I thought I never would before you came into my life. You asked me to be your wife and presented me with the most beautiful ring I had ever seen.

It was all so perfect and I was crying and you were crying and of course I said yes! Yes, yes, yes! I was ecstatic and in love and I couldn't keep my hands and lips off of you. But you insisted we go out to dinner to celebrate.

I thought the surprises were over, but we walked into a private room at the restaurant and the room was filled with family and friends for a surprise birthday/engagement party. You really had thought of everything. Gabe and I had a tearful talk, where he congratulated me and wished me a happy birthday. He told me that he knew from the beginning that you and I were meant to be, and in that moment I realized he was right all along. Thanks to him, I had the best thing to ever walk into my life. It was the best birthday ever, topped off by making love with you as fiancées.

I looked forward to wedding planning with you. We decided to get married at the end of April, since that was when we first started dating. It was a special time for us, and what better time to get married?

You didn't want me to spend money on an engagement ring for you, but I refused to listen to you. The only time we really argued was over money. I still hadn't told you about my inheritance, and I felt so guilty. I was even more scared now that I had hidden it from you for so long.

I bought you an engagement ring similar to my own. I coerced Gabe into helping me, since he had helped you, and he gladly agreed. He took me to the jewelry store where you got my ring, and it was the best place. I liked the idea of matching, but I wanted your ring to be unique to fit you. I picked a different cut of diamond that I knew you preferred, and went with a different kind of scrollwork pattern. When I saw it, I knew it was perfect. You loved it, which made me happy.

The rest of the summer was amazing, and we went out and visited Gabe in Nashville when he went back. The wedding planning went okay to start with. We decided on things we liked fairly easily and things went pretty smoothly. We both wanted to have a beautiful day, and we agreed on most of the things that we wanted. But you wouldn't let me help with paying for anything with the wedding.

We got into arguments about it. I got so upset with you in December when you absolutely refused to let me pay for half of the wedding and honeymoon expenses. Even though I was planning the honeymoon and having it be a surprise, you still were adamant about taking all of the debt. You wanted to cut back on our costs for the things we wanted at the wedding, and I refused. I wanted our day to be perfect, and you were creating unnecessary stress on yourself by refusing to let me help.

I knew I was partially to blame for your stress because I still hadn't told you that I had money. I got so mad at myself, and I started to take it out on you. I stormed out of the house because I was pissed at myself. I was still upset with you for not listening to me when I begged you to let me contribute, but I was more upset with me for being a fucking coward. I knew I needed to be completely honest with you.

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I remember when I thought I ruined everything. I had totally fucked up by not telling you about my inheritance. When I finally told you- when I finally realized that I couldn't hide it anymore- you were so upset with me. I saw your heart breaking when you realized I had kept this from you for over a year and a half.

It wasn't that I didn't trust you. I trusted you with everything. You and my brother were the only people I could ever trust completely. But I was so messed up in the head after I realized that Courtney was with me for my money that I was scared to begin with when we first started dating. I knew you wouldn't just be with me because I was rich. I didn't even live that kind of lifestyle. I didn't even care about the money. I lived within what my salary provided me with. I occasionally dipped into the money from my parents when I wanted to make a big purchase, but I mostly just lived on my income.

Especially after we moved in together and you wouldn't let me pay for anything. So I showered you with expensive gifts and took you out to eat and paid for as much as I could otherwise. I felt so stupid.

It hurt me to watch you break down. And I felt like I had been stabbed right in the heart when you wouldn't let me comfort you. I begged you to understand. It wasn't you. I knew shortly after we started getting to know each other that you weren't like Courtney. I had just gotten used to not telling anyone I had money for so long that I didn't say anything. And then I got more scared as time went on that you would be mad at me for not telling you. It was idiotic and obviously the completely wrong thing to do. I knew it the whole time, but I still did it.

I pleaded with you, but you told me that you needed time to think. I was sure I completely fucked everything up. I told you I would go stay at my old apartment so you could have space. But I asked you to not let it ruin us. I was so relieved when you told me that you still loved me and you wouldn't let this come between us. You just needed time to think, and I would give you as much time as you wished for as long as it meant we would still get married.

I was scared when you didn't answer my texts later that day. You had wanted me to let you know that I made it to the apartment okay, but you never responded. You didn't even pick up when I called. I feared that you were going to give up on me then. I feared that the stress of this had caused your myasthenia gravis to flare and you were too weak to get to the phone. I was just on the verge of driving back home when you finally texted me back.

I hated knowing that I was the cause of your pain. I never wanted to hurt you. I wanted to be the one to make you happy every day for the rest of our lives. I missed you the moment I left the house, and I was just glad that you were still saying that you loved me. I swore that I would do whatever it took to make sure that you would still be with me.

I couldn't sleep at all that night away from you. I kept thinking about the course of our relationship and all of the times that I should have told you about it. If I had then we wouldn't have gone through any of that. I was just so stupid.

I was so relieved when you called me the next morning and said you wanted to meet me to talk. I knew the conversation would be tough, but I had promised myself that I would tell you everything and give you access to every penny in my name. I needed you, and I would gladly go bankrupt if it meant keeping you.

I hoped that we would be able to work everything out and you would let me come home. I even brought my things just in case. I could only hold onto my hope. I had nothing else if I lost you.

I freaked out a little when I thought you wanted to call off the wedding. But you assured me that we were still getting married when I told you that I had never hidden anything else from you. You had forgiven me, and we worked out our problems. You understood that we needed to be partners, so we had to be able to pay for our expenses evenly. You refused to have access to my accounts, and that was okay. I would find ways to spend money on you and us and you knew it. I was just glad that you were finally going to let me help contribute to our bills.

When you let me come back home with you my heart started to feel complete again. I was still hesitant and nervous with you. I knew I had screwed up so badly, but you let me know that we would be okay. You wanted to take a nap, and you let me lay down with you. I just watched you sleep in my arms, grateful for having a second chance with you. I was happy that I was still going to be able to marry the love of my life. You looked so peaceful and content in my arms, and I was finally able to fall asleep knowing that we were going to be just fine.

The wedding planning went much smoother after that. We were going to have a beautiful wedding, and I couldn't wait for you to be my bride.

But you were starting to worry me. I noticed that you seemed more tired than usual, and you complained about your shoulder hurting. I could see pain in your eyes, even when you told me you were okay. I told myself not to worry. You would tell me if it was anything serious. I would repeat that in my head over and over when I saw you grimace after waking up in the morning and rotate your arm. If it got worse then I would make you go to a doctor, but you seemed to be handling the discomfort.

At least until the night of our bachelorette party. I had gotten pretty drunk that night, but I was so happy to be celebrating with you. Even Courtney's appearance couldn't damper my happiness, and I was surprised that she congratulated us sincerely. Even if she hadn't, I wouldn't have cared. She didn't matter anymore. I had put her completely behind me. She was ancient history, and you were my future.

I hadn't gotten drunk enough to see that you were in pain though. You were tired and wanted to go home early, and my friends were partied out. So everyone left and we went home, where I found you about to take some painkillers. I was hurt that you hadn't told me how much pain you were in. You had been hiding it from me, and I told you that you had to stop doing that. You promised you would stop doing that, and you would see a doctor if it got to be too much to deal with.

I was worried when you said you thought the pain was your body reacting to stress. I thought you were stressed over marrying me, but you said that wasn't it. I was worried that you were stressed because you felt guilty about marrying someone else after Sam. You told me that you hadn't even thought about him, but that Sam would be happy for us, because you loved me more than you had ever loved anyone and he would want you to be with me.

I felt something inside of me finally settle hearing that. I had a fear in the back of my mind- so deep that I didn't even really know it was there- that you would forever be pining for him and you could never love me like you had Sam. But to hear that I was the love of your life made me completely calm, and any nerves I had about marrying you completely disappeared.

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I remember when we got married. My calm after our bachelorette party stayed with me all the way through to our wedding day. I was excited and couldn't wait to be your wife, but I wasn't nervous. I was looking forward to the best day of my life. You were kind of a nervous wreck at the rehearsal and with the last minute details of the wedding, but I was just relaxed as could be. I was ready, and all the little details didn't matter anymore. What mattered was when we were pronounced wife and wife and we could kiss our bride.

Gabe even remarked on how utterly calm I was when I was getting ready. I was smiling like a goon and it was hard for the woman I got to do my make-up to finish because it was just too hard for me to keep my face in an expression she could easily work with. I told him that I never felt that anything was more right in my life than marrying you, and I wasn't worried. I wanted to spend forever with you as your wife, and I knew you wanted the same.

When I saw you walking toward me as we made our way to the altar- God!- you looked like the most beautiful woman in the world. I could have been wearing a burlap sack and not cared for the way my eyes just stayed focused on you. I lost my breath as we made our way to each other. I couldn't believe that you- this beautiful, kind, caring, incredible, amazing woman- were willing to be my wife. It was overwhelming. I couldn't keep myself from crying, and you had matching tears running down your cheeks.

Your vows were perfect. You knew just the right things to say and the right promises to make. I felt like I couldn't even get my words out, but I was able to through my tears. Then we were finally married! You were my wife, and I was yours! I had never felt more complete in my life.

We partied into the night, both giddy as schoolgirls with how happy we were. I noticed you getting tired, so we decided to head back home. I couldn't keep my hands off of you though, and we gave our driver a bit of a show. I didn't care, and you looked so cute with your cheeks flaming bright red.

And then you fell asleep on me in bed before we could make love. I couldn't stop the smile from spreading across my face at how adorable you looked. You clearly were worn out, and I couldn't even be mad at you leaving me sexually frustrated. I tucked you into bed before curling myself around you and holding you in my arms. I whispered words of love to you as you slept, telling you how I still couldn't believe that you were my wife and that we were married. I couldn't wait to start off our marriage with our honeymoon.

I was excited to spend two weeks in seclusion in Tahiti with you. You were pretty excited when you found out, too. We kicked it off in excellent fashion by making passionate love to each other. Only you were crying in pain by the end. The pain in your shoulder was worse, and it had now spread to your hands.

I was so upset. I was ready to pack you up and take you to the doctor, but you wouldn't let me. You wanted to enjoy our honeymoon and promised to go to the doctor when we got home. I didn't know what else to do, so I agreed. But I made you swear that you would try to take it easy and that you wouldn't hurt yourself trying to please me. You promised, much to my relief. We could find a way to make it work so we could still enjoy our honeymoon and make love. But even if we couldn't, I would be perfectly fine going two weeks without sex if it meant you weren't hurting.

We ended up coming up with a good plan that worked for us. We discovered that swimming helped loosen you up and made you feel better, but you were still so tired all of the time. You didn't sleep well at night from the pain, and you were so uncomfortable in the morning. Once we got you up and moving in the water, you felt a lot better and you could sleep, so we took a lot of naps. If I didn't want to nap, I would still curl up with you and read a book so I could be near you.

I watched you so closely. I knew you would tell me you were okay even when you weren't because you didn't want to ruin our honeymoon. No matter how many times I would tell you that you could never ruin it, you still wouldn't believe me. So I would make sure you rested when you needed it and took pain relievers when you hurt and I did my best to take care of you. It hurt me to see you hurt, but I couldn't take your pain away even if I wanted to. I hated that.

We still found ways to make love without you hurting. I knew that it was important to you that we did, and I definitely wasn't complaining. But if I had seen any hint of a wince I was going to stop immediately. We were able to celebrate our honeymoon physically though, much to your relief (and mine, I'm not going to lie).

I was worried when we went back home. I could tell that you were dreading getting bad news from a doctor, but I knew that you needed to find out what was going on. We needed answers and we needed to get you some relief. You were getting worse, and I hated that you had to go back to work. I hated that you couldn't get into your doctor right away. I hated a lot about this whole situation.

I felt so fucking horrible when I woke you up one morning after we got back to have sex. You started crying after you came, your body tense with pain. You couldn't even look at me. I had hurt you, and I had hurt you bad. I wanted to murder myself for doing that to you. You swore to me that it wasn't my fault, but I couldn't fully believe you. You said you were hurting before I touched you, but I knew I made it worse. I wouldn't let you return the favor, and, to my relief, you backed down. I wasn't even in the mood anymore. I hadn't been taking as good of care of you as I should have. I made a silent promise to myself that I would do better.

You had told me that you didn't want me to go to the doctor with you. It hurt me when you said that, because it felt like you wanted to keep it from me. So when you changed your mind and told me you needed me there, I finally felt like maybe you were opening up to me. I would be wherever you needed me to be. But I knew I wanted to be nowhere but by your side if you would let me.

I was glad I went with you. The fucking nurse was a bitch, and I wanted to smack her with how disgusted she looked when you told her I was your wife and I would be coming back into the room with you. You were the only thing that could have stopped me from smacking her into next year, and I let you calm me down with a quick hand squeeze. Thankfully your doctor was the best.

She let me hold you when she talked to you and examined you, and only made me move away when she needed you to lie down. She still let me hold your hand, and let me immediately go back to you when she was done. She was seriously my favorite doctor ever. I needed to be close to you, and I knew you needed to be close to me. I was so grateful that she could sense that and didn't have a problem with it. She even seemed happy for us when we said we had just gotten married.

I hated what she had to say though. I knew she wasn't expecting a good diagnosis, and based on the look on your face I could tell you weren't either. I did my best to cheer you up though, and we went out for ice cream.

I tried to be strong. I didn't know how to be strong for someone else before I met you. Gabe was always the strong one between us, and I knew how to be strong for myself. I just put up my walls and kept everyone out. But I couldn't do that with you. You were my whole world. You were my heart. And to try to be strong to keep you from falling apart was so hard. I wouldn't let myself break down in front of you. I took care of everything so you didn't have to when you were in pain. I took on a lot of stress so you could try to relax.

When I came home from work to find you slumped on the kitchen floor, I thought I was going to die. I thought you were going to have to go to the hospital and something was seriously wrong. I didn't know whether to feel worse or relieved when I realized you were drunk. Ever since I knew you I had never seen you drink more than a sip of alcohol. But you had downed a half a bottle of wine by yourself. I knew something had happened, and it wasn't good.

You told me through sobs that the doctor called. I held you in my arms, fighting off tears even as my heart broke when you said that you thought you were defective and apologized to me for it. I couldn't believe you thought that. I swore to you that you were perfect and that absolutely nothing was wrong with you. Even if you had medical issues, it didn't mean that you were any less perfect in my eyes. I wouldn't love you any less and I definitely wasn't letting you go.

I sobered you up and made you take the pill you had forgotten. Then I took you to bed and held you until you fell asleep. I had laid there watching the lines in your forehead finally relax as your stress went away as you slept, and once I was sure you were out I finally slipped out of bed and went to the living room and cried into Lady's neck. It was so hard to be strong when my heart, which was you, was falling apart.

I made myself stop crying and went back to being the pillar you needed to lean on. I wasn't going to let you fall apart like that again. I was going to do my best to keep you strong and healthy. I was going to be by you every step of the way. I loved you too much to let this- whatever it was- ruin you.

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I remember when you were diagnosed. You had really scared me after that episode with the wine, and I watched you much more closely. I could see you becoming depressed, and I did my best to keep you from thinking about your upcoming doctor visit and the bad news you were so sure was going to be handed down to us. I couldn't stop your pain, but I could sure as hell do my damn best to make sure that you were as happy as you could be.

I was failing though. I could see you getting worse and I tried so hard to make it better for you. I kept you busy to try to keep your mind off of it, and I tried to show you that I still loved you and was going to be there for you no matter what. I went a bit overboard with checking up on you throughout the day, but I was just so scared that you were going to sink so far down that I wouldn't be able to get you back.

I did what I could to keep your pain from being too bad. We took hot baths nearly every night or used heating pads to help give you some relief. We had stopped making love because it hurt you too bad, even though it frustrated both of us. I didn't like the idea of getting off without you being able to, and once it became too painful for you to even do anything then I refused to let you try.

I forced you to tell your family since I knew you didn't want to. They needed to know. I was glad you let me tell my brother. I needed someone to talk to for advice. He told me to do my best to be there for you and help to give you what you needed to get through everything. I called him when I felt overwhelmed, and he was always there to take my call. He also helped to keep your mind off of things by coming over and hanging out with you and joking with you. He kept the laughter in our house easier than I could, especially since all I could see anymore was your pain.

We finally met with a rheumatologist and he couldn't tell us anything on the first visit. I should have known that he couldn't, but I wanted relief for you so badly that I hated that he couldn't give you a diagnosis right away. He did start you on some steroids, and it was like you were a completely different person after just a couple of doses.

We were able to make love again, which made both of us happy. But then you started feeling bad again. Your pain levels went up and down and, with it, so did your mood. You still weren't sleeping well either. I could tell if I should be walking on eggshells around you if you woke up grimacing in pain, and days you woke me up with kisses meant that you were feeling good. You started getting grumpy and you took your frustration out on me. I understood it because I was the same way in the past, but you had never done anything like this with me before. It hurt my feelings, but I knew you weren't doing it to hurt me intentionally. So I promised you that it was okay, and I told myself that I just needed to try harder to help you.

The doctor finally got your test results back and went over them with us at your next appointment. He said that you had rheumatoid arthritis. I could tell that you were both relieved and upset by his news. I just didn't know what to think at first. It wasn't until he started explaining everything about the disease and the medication that I really started to panic, but I couldn't show you that I was. I listened to everything he said as well as I could, and I knew I would be scouring those pamphlets he gave us with a fine tooth comb so I could learn as much as possible.

We hadn't talked about what could possibly be wrong with you. We knew that it was probably autoimmune related, but neither of us wanted to discuss the possible diseases that you could have had. It was like, if we didn't talk about it, then we wouldn't get bad news. Even though we were expecting to get bad news.

The side effects of the medication were bad enough. The fact that you were going to get treatment early meant that you shouldn't have too serious of complications from the rheumatoid arthritis, but the medication sounded really nasty. And then he told us the worst part. You couldn't get pregnant while taking it. I could tell you were devastated. I was devastated. We had always planned on you carrying first. Both of us wanted you to have a baby. I could just imagine how beautiful you would be pregnant, and I loved the idea of a little one who looked exactly like you.

But his news put that on the backburner indefinitely. We didn't know how you would respond to the medication and if any additional treatment would be necessary. We needed to get you healthy before we could even consider you getting pregnant, and then you would have to try going off of the medication. We didn't have any clue how long that would be.

We talked about our options. I needed you to get relief from the pain. We needed to get you the best treatment possible, and if this was it then it was what we needed to do. We both agreed that it was best to try the medication, even if it meant that you wouldn't be getting pregnant anytime soon.

I could see you sinking further into depression after the diagnosis. I had a hard enough time dealing with it, so I could imagine how hard you were taking it. I talked to Gabe a lot, and he was my rock. I tried to transfer his strength to me so I could be what you needed. That's why I came up with taking you to the pool a few times a week. I knew that swimming had made you feel better on our honeymoon, and the information we read said that keeping your joints moving helped to prevent them from stiffening up and causing pain.

We didn't need you sitting around the house moping, so I figured the exercise would help. Besides, I figured the exercise wouldn't hurt me either, and we could do it together. You were having a bad day when I told you about it, and you snapped at me. If you didn't want to do it, I didn't know what else to do to help you. But you realized you were taking your pain out on me, and agreed that it sounded like a good idea. Especially when I told you that we would treat those nights as date nights and spend the evening relaxing.

You made me sad when you told me you were afraid you were getting fat from the steroids. I honestly hadn't even noticed if you had put on any weight. You were still as beautiful as ever to me. But I knew that steroids would make you gain weight, so I figured that exercising would help to convince you that you weren't packing on the pounds. Even if you did gain weight, it wouldn't have mattered to me. I would still love you completely and forever.

You were able to start the medication once your labs came back and, although the pills made you feel sick, we started to notice a big improvement pretty quickly. You were in such a better mood, and things were going great. The doctor thought you were doing well, so he started to wean you off of the steroids. That was when your pain came back, and so did your depression. You didn't want to do anything. You didn't want to go out, you didn't want to cook, you didn't want to clean, you didn't want to play with the dogs or cuddle with me. I didn't mind picking up the slack around the house with the cooking and cleaning and taking care of the animals. But I did mind that you didn't want to cuddle or talk to me, and you started getting really mean to me.

You snapped at me so badly one day and made me feel like utter shit. You made me feel like I wasn't good enough for you and that I couldn't give you what you needed to make you feel better. I already felt so helpless, but hearing you say that I didn't care about how you were feeling broke me. I needed to get out of there so I could break down without you around. I still needed to be strong for you because you were falling apart. But I needed some time to fall apart myself so I could repair the cracks and be stronger than before.

I went to Gabe's. He held me while I cried and told him how I felt. He told me that you were hurting, but that you didn't mean anything you said to me. Deep down I knew that, but I couldn't stop my heart from feeling like I wasn't the best wife I could be for you. He suggested that maybe you should see a therapist or maybe join a support group, because you were clearly having a hard time dealing with your diagnosis. I scoffed at first, but the more he talked about it, the more I realized that he was right. I couldn't help you deal with your depression. I had tried my best, but I wasn't qualified to help you deal with this emotionally. I could give you all of the physical and emotional support that I could, but I could admit to myself that I clearly couldn't give you everything you needed to get through this. I needed help.

I went home full of nerves, prepared to tell you what I thought you needed to do. To my surprise, you smiled and agreed with me while you told me that you had already looked up counselors. I should have known that you were one step ahead of me. I was so relieved that we were going to get you the help you needed physically and emotionally.

You apologized to me, even though I knew you never meant any of the things you said to me. It was still nice to hear you say you were sorry though. It helped to heal my heart even further. We were still careful around each other, especially since you were still dealing with the constant pain. But we were taking steps toward healing.

The counseling helped you immensely. You opened up to me more about how you were feeling, which helped our relationship. And once you got put on a stronger medication on top of what you were already taking, you started to improve drastically. The pain was mostly gone, and you had significantly more good days than bad days. We were finally to a good place again.

You were still stressed about your weight gain though. I honestly didn't even really notice anything, but you hated that you had to buy bigger pants. You started wearing baggier clothes and didn't like me to take showers or baths with you anymore. But I adamantly refused to let you think you weren't beautiful. I told you how sexy I thought you were, and I made love to you as often as I could.

I figured it wouldn't hurt us to live a little healthier though. I started making healthier dinners and we continued our workouts at the pool. We cut back on some calories, but I couldn't help but splurge still for us on dessert. If you lost the weight you wanted to lose, then great. If not, I didn't care and I would do the best I could to help you become comfortable with your gorgeous body.

You broke my heart when you said you didn't think you should carry a baby ever. I knew it was a dream you had for a long time, and now you were abandoning. It was a dream of mine too, but I understood that you thought it was best for you and for us. There were too many risks, and I didn't want to lose you or risk our child. It was hard, but if you thought it was best, then I wasn't going to argue with you.

I did a lot of thinking after that. We had wanted you to carry first, but there was no reason why I couldn't carry. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I didn't want to wait. Your diagnosis and the fact that we both dealt with losses of family unexpectedly made me think about how anything could happen at any time. Why wait until we thought things would be better when they may never be? I didn't want to risk losing you before we could start our family. I didn't want to ever lose you, but I wanted babies with you. I wanted to give you that dream. I wanted to give _us_ that dream.

I was ecstatic when you said yes. We were going to have a baby! I couldn't wait.

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I remember when I told you I was pregnant. We had both gotten a little ahead of ourselves with planning for a baby before we had even gone to the doctor to talk about it. We both clearly wanted to start our family so badly, and looking at cribs and clothes and nursery stuff was so much fun.

We got our eyes opened when we went to my ob/gyn and found out that we hadn't been discussing the important part of planning for a baby, which was actually conceiving the baby. We hadn't discussed what we wanted to do as far as artificial insemination or in vitro fertilization. We hadn't picked a donor. We hadn't figured out a lot.

We talked a lot about our options, and thankfully we both agreed on trying insemination first. I really wanted it to work. I wanted it to feel like I was at least kind of conceiving naturally, and I know you agreed. And the thought of having so many fertilized embryos implanted freaked me out, so I wanted to avoid in vitro if possible.

The problem came when deciding on a donor. We both liked similar ones, but not the same one. I wanted our babies to look as much like you as possible. I knew it still bothered you that you wouldn't be able to carry a baby, so I wanted to at least help you feel like you had a biological connection if our child looked a little like you. Not that I ever thought that you would love our child any less because it didn't have your DNA, but I wanted you to be able to look at our baby and see a bit of you in him or her. I wanted to give you that.

We finally picked a donor that actually looked a lot like you when you were little. I hoped he had some strong genes and we ended up with a baby that looked like both of us. But mostly I just hoped that we had a healthy baby. I knew you wanted the same, which was a big factor in why you didn't want to carry in the first place.

I was so disappointed when the first insemination didn't take. Seeing that negative result on the pregnancy test was so hard to handle for the both of us. You had been so adorable taking care of me after the first insemination. You were treating me like I was precious china, and I had to admit that I kind of liked it. Not that I couldn't have helped out or anything, but you wouldn't even let me lift a finger. I knew you would be such a great mother.

I felt so bad that it didn't work. I felt like I had failed somehow, even though we both knew that it would probably take several times at least before it worked (if it even did). You were so amazing after that when I started my period. You pampered me and showered me with love, letting me know that it didn't matter that the first time didn't work.

I had higher hopes for the second one. It just felt right somehow. You were constantly telling me how much you loved me and I replied in kind. You wouldn't stop kissing my cheek or forehead and you held my hand the whole time. I felt so much more comfortable and, after we were left alone, I had to kiss you. I really felt that that time was going to work.

I was due to take a pregnancy test a few days before your 30th birthday. I honestly felt like the second insemination was successful, but I didn't want to ruin your birthday if it wasn't and we got a negative test right before your birthday. So I told you that we would wait to take a test until after your birthday.

But I didn't want to wait. I wanted it to be a surprise if I was pregnant, so I took a test the day before. If it was negative then I would just take a test with you after your birthday and pretend like I hadn't done it already. I almost fainted when it was positive. I wanted to find you and shout it out to you in joy, but I desperately wanted to save the surprise. I made a doctor's appointment for the next morning for confirmation.

It was so hard keeping it from you, but I managed. I was ecstatic, and I knew I could keep it from you under the guise of preparing a surprise for your birthday. I was even happier when the doctor's office confirmed the pregnancy. I enacted my plan for your birthday celebration. I had already had the idea to use the dogs and Lord Tubbington as a way to announce the pregnancy to you, but the damn cat wouldn't stay still. So I just used Lance and Lady to hold the sign to announce that they were going to be a big brother and sister and took a picture.

The look on your face when you saw the picture made me feel on top of the world. You were so shocked and amazed and full of joy. Every bad thing that ever happened in my life didn't even matter at that point when I saw that look on your face.

If I thought you were attentive before when we just thought I may be getting pregnant, you were a thousand times more so after we knew that I actually was. You were practically at my beck and call. I loved you so, so much for how you loved me. You were so overprotective and a little crazy about it, but I didn't even care. We were both so insanely happy about the little life growing inside of me.

You were incredible when the morning (really evening) sickness started. You never complained about holding my hair for me or soothing me after I threw up. I never asked you to help me, but you were always there. You tried so hard to find things that would help soothe my stomach, but honestly, the best medicine was always you near me.

But my favorite thing was definitely the way you would cup my stomach and kiss it every morning before you would give me a goodbye kiss for work. You talked to our baby like it could already hear you, and I knew that it was going to come out knowing exactly who you were and how much you loved him or her.

Our first wedding anniversary arrived, and we decided to spend a fairly easy day at the zoo. I liked going back to the otter exhibit and watching your face light up again. Knowing that you felt that the stuffed otter I gave you was so special to you, a wonderful memory you coveted, and you wanted to give it to our baby made me fall in love with you even more. I had to tell you then that I knew I was falling for you the last time we stood outside of that exhibit. I fibbed a little and said that I was just falling for you, when I actually knew I had already fallen. And I had fallen so hard, but I continued to fall in love with you so I guess it wasn't much of a lie.

When we found out we were going to have twins I thought my chest was going to burst from all of the emotion I felt. I loved you so much, and I already loved the baby so much. But to find out that there was another one in there just made my love grow even more. I didn't know it was possible to love that many people as much as I loved all of you. I could see the wonder and love in your own eyes, and I knew you were just as happy as I was.

It felt like fate for us to have twins. I didn't know why at the time, but I just felt that, deep down, we were meant to have two babies at once. I knew there were extra complications and worries, and we would have to do a lot more planning about how to do feedings and so on. We would also have to buy double the amount of baby stuff, but I didn't care about that. None of it seemed to bother me that much, because it was the way it was supposed to be for us.

It was amazing when we started telling our family. Gabe was so happy for us. He told me later that he wasn't surprised that I was the one carrying. I hadn't told him about our decision, but he said that he knew that I wouldn't risk letting anything happen to you with a pregnancy. I found it hard to believe that my brother knew me better than myself sometimes, but he was completely right. I knew that he was just as excited as we were to meet our babies.

Your family was ecstatic as well. Your mom was emotional because you would finally be getting the children you had wanted for so long. And your dad got emotional because he was happy that we were so happy. I couldn't wait for them to hold and spoil their grandbabies. I knew that your mom would be over the top, but, from the look on your dad's face, I knew that he was actually going to be the worst one out of the two.

I was such a shit to you sometimes with my hormones. You just grinned and bore it, and soothed me when I started bawling because I realized I said something mean. I cried all of the damn time, and I hated it. I had to hide in the bathroom at work so my coworkers didn't see the blubbering mess I had become. I didn't want them to see me as anything other than the fierce Santana Lopez, who was sometimes called a bitch. If they knew I cried at a fucking video about a rescue dog then I would forever lose my power at work.

You were so incredibly awesome and thoughtful throughout the whole pregnancy. You were the best wife I ever could have imagined for myself. I sometimes thought that I didn't deserve you. You were too good for me, the bitchy woman who kept people at a distance. But I needed you too much to let you go, and you refused to stop loving me anyways.

I didn't mean to start bleeding. I don't know what I did wrong to make that happen. Even though the doctor said that it sometimes happened when carrying multiples, I couldn't help but feel like I had done something that caused it to happen. You told me to stop working sooner and I didn't. You told me to take it easier than I did, and I still didn't listen. I ate fucking burgers at work nearly every day and didn't tell you. And when I saw the blood I just knew that I fucked up.

I panicked and I called you. I needed you to be with me. I couldn't handle this without you. The doctor was concerned enough to hospitalize me and put me on bed rest. But that wasn't even enough. I started bleeding again and passed out. And then you collapsed.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Now I am sitting in your hospital room, holding your hand and praying that you will open your gorgeous blue eyes for me. There are so many machines hooked up to you. You have a tube going down your throat to breathe for you, and it is the most fucking scary thing I have ever seen in my life.

When I woke up after my emergency C-section and found Gabe by my side instead of you, I immediately knew that something was wrong. Only I thought it was something with the babies. I never would have imagined that you would go into a crisis and stop breathing.

When he told me what happened, I immediately wanted to be by your side. The doctors argued with me. They told me that I wasn't strong enough. I had just had surgery and had needed a blood transfusion. I fought tooth and nail with them. I didn't give a shit how weak or in pain I was. I needed to see you and find out how you were with my own eyes.

In the end, the doctors couldn't stop me. I went to see our babies first. I cried over how beautiful they were as I held them in my arms. Gabe took tons of pictures for us before he wheeled me to your room.

I hate seeing you so fragile. You look so pale and small, and the rhythmic noise of the machine breathing for you honestly scares me. Your neurologist told me that you are going to be sedated for awhile to let your body rest and have the machine breathe for you. They are going to give you some sort of infusion to help build your strength back up, but it is going to take some time.

I listened as closely as I could to what the doctor said, but I am more concerned about you than the words. As soon as I heard that you should be okay, I relaxed a little. But nothing could help me relax enough until you open your eyes.

I am so, so sorry for stressing you enough to put you in this situation. I know that my blood loss and surgery was what caused this to happen. I wish I could go back in time and fix all of this. I need you. I need you to be okay. I need you to help me raise our son and daughter. I need to wake up with you every morning. I need to fall asleep in your arms every night. You can't leave me.

Gabe made me leave you earlier. He said I needed rest. I honestly didn't feel tired, and I argued with him. But he said that our babies needed me. He was right. I needed to take care of our children so they could be healthy to meet you when you woke up.

I couldn't stay away for long though. After I fed our son and daughter, I took a nap. The doctor checked me out again, after scolding me once more for not staying in my room. Fuck them and their stupid protocols. I checked on twins again before I made Gabe bring me back to you.

You are going to love our babies. Our son is so handsome. He is already a sweetheart, I can tell. He is such a quiet gentlemen and so inquisitive about his surroundings. He reminds me of you. Our daughter is a spitfire. She screams until she gets what she wants, and when she eats she latches on and sucks greedily. She is so beautiful, and I know that she will have no problem putting people in their place.

They are both going to have us wrapped around their little fingers. I can't wait for you to see them and hold them and kiss them.

Please, just wake up for me so I know you will be okay.

Your parents went to get dinner. Gabe called them after he got to the hospital and found out what was going on. They have seen their grandbabies already. Your mom cried and hugged me for about ten minutes, telling me how gorgeous they were. Your dad shed some tears over the babies, and he hugged me and kissed me on the forehead. They talked to me about you, and they went down to sit with you when I went to feed the twins again.

I love you so, so much. It has been eight hours since I woke up after my surgery and you still haven't opened your eyes. I can't live without you. You know that. I am trying so hard to be strong and not cry as I talk to you, but I am losing my battle.

 _If you could only see the way she loves me  
Then maybe you would understand  
Why I feel this way about our love  
And what I must do  
If you could only see how blue her eyes  
Can be when she says,  
When she says she loves me_

I can't help but sing this to you. I would do anything for you and our love. You are the other half of my soul. Our family will never be complete without you.

The doctors are getting upset with me for staying down here with you for so long. I just need to be here. The babies don't need me every minute, even though I wish I could be with them every possible moment. You need me more, sweetie.

I am caressing the back of your hand with my thumb. There hasn't even been a twitch from you. The only thing I can hear is the beeping of your heart monitor and that damn breathing machine. I would hate that thing so much if it wasn't keeping you alive.

I press a kiss to your hand and squeeze it, whispering my love to you again. I look up, tears clouding my eyes. My breath catches. Surely I am not seeing right. I blink rapidly to clear my gaze, only to start crying hard when I realize that I had seen correctly.

Your beautiful blue eyes are open and looking at me with love. Your eyes pool with tears at seeing me, and I know you are relieved that I am okay, just as I am relieved that you are awake. I kiss your hand again and again, telling you how much I love you and how happy I am that you opened your eyes for me and how beautiful our twins are. I know you want to hold me, but you still can't move. The most you can do is give me a squeeze on my hand so light that I wasn't even sure you did anything. But I felt it. I felt it!

I know now that you are going to get through this. Now that you are awake, you will fight with everything you have to see our son and daughter and hold them. You will fight for us. I will fight for us.

We have years and years of memories still to make.

 **A/N 2: The lyrics are from 'If You Could Only See' by Tonic (one of my favorite songs!). So what did you guys think? Anything surprise you from what you thought Santana was thinking during A Second Life? Anything else?**

 **The next one-shot will maybe be posted sometime next week. It is more of a traditional one, picking up from after the birth of the babies. I'm excited! Are you?**


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